One of my clients, reached out.
“Erkan, I have to decide I can’t have it all, either I focus on growing my business or my private life.”
After hearing, I felt a pressure on my chest, realizing that I feel the same sadness and frustration, back in 2008, I knew exactly how he feels, was my thought.
-> What happened in 2008?
I had all the solution: have a clear vision, meditate, know your stress and emotion triggers, your beliefs, your values, do sport and eat healthy.
Did I? How can I be sure he has the same feelings, the same understanding of happiness and success? Maybe his emotions and frustrations were different? Are my solutions the right ones?
It was clear…..I was biased!
I asked him for a short break, to clear my mindset and emotions to fully focus on him. Back in my coach mindset, I started to ask questions, instead of assuming, to understand HIS situation and emotions.
He slept very little, woke up in the night worrying about everything, thin-skinned – even lost his temper sometimes, his list of to-do’s got longer, he hardly ever had the energy to spent “quality time” with his family and kids, no time to think about friends or hobby. “His joy reduced”
During our conversation, his tonality changed, I could hear how he was relaxing. I suggested going for a stroll on the Isar a nearby river, to change the setting and made sure that we will not be disturbed during our session.
During the walk we discussed why he is on his mission, what exactly is success for him in work and in private, what stresses him out, what the situation was when he lost his temper and what he meant when he talked about happiness.
Suddenly, he stopped during our walk
“I fear that I will lose everything, by trying to achieve happiness and success. I need to make a decision!”
We continued to walk silently for a while, leaving room to let it sink. “I never talked to anyone about this, I wish this would just end”, he said.
I asked him how he feels saying it loud, “shocked” was his answer. Silence again, sure that was a tough one to encounter, we continued our walk for a bit and called it a day very soon.
We set up another meeting to continue, giving time to reflect. Now, I had a better understanding of what caused the statement at the beginning, so I could prepare to support him in finding his solutions.
We crafted solutions he thought could work for him, some of them worked and some didn’t, that is also not the point. He made room for finding other options, finding another perspective and more clarity in what was the cause of his reaction.
I believe the emotions we witness are never the cause, they are the leaves of a deeper rooted-problem. If you focus on working on your leaves, they will change and foster, but your problem will remain and pop up again.
Whatever the answers, the solutions and the suggestions out there are, these only reflects the solution from the perspective of an individual or a group. There is so many truth out in the world until someone proofs it wrong, then this proof becomes the “new truth” – it worked for them, it solved their situation, it is their view on the world and not yours.
In my work I want YOU to find your answer and find your solution. It is never about my experience, my knowledge and what I think is the best, it is always about your view, your situation, your desires and goals. I can give you perspective, but believe me, you have all the answers within you, they need a little push to surface.